I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
