I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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