and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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