ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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