Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Randomize
