i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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