i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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