I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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