Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
