shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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