If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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