Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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