theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
