I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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