I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
