Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
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