I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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