I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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