i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
