I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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