I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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