A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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