Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Are my feet made of real feet?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I FOUND THE LEGS
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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