I think I am morally bankrupt
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize