I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
