just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
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