M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
But theres a keg here and me gusta
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Randomize
