If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
