Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
