theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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