He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
