the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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