He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
