How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
