i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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