Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
