I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
