so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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