Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Reggie can tackle my bush.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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