K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I am one with the molecules
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
