I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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