I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
