i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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