great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
