all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm like, not good at living.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
