Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
