I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
