What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
