Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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