Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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