he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
handjob tips. give me some.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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