Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
