In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Randomize
