she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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