chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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