you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
