I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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