Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
