god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
being pregnant is like rehab
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
