when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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