I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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