i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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