In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
i drank out of a bidet.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
