i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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