I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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