Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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