I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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