there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
